Screw any big movie role, or some #1 rock hit. You don’t really know you’ve made it until you’ve been on a late-night talk show. There must be no other feeling like it. You sit there and recount random stories, while about two hundred people listen intently; you have their undivided attention. They are there to see you; and they will cheer loudly and mindlessly at whatever you say. The host sets you up with questions that you are already prepared for, and you end up looking awesome.

I am currently watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. Taye Diggs from “Private Practice” was just on. He talked about the birth of his son. The Oooohs and aaaws followed every sentence. During the story, he talked about how they now turn the placenta into pill form so it can be taken daily (apparently, it contains nutrients); and people fucking laughed at that. If I tried a story like that, I’d lose my speaking privileges for the rest of the night. At the end, Jimmy gave him a gift…a Chuck Norris Halloween outfit! (….ahem….wait for it….wait for it….) A FUCKING CHUCK NORRIS HALLOWEEN OUTFIT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHUCK NORRIS COWBOY GEAR!? OH, GREAT! THE RICH FUCKING GET RICHER AND I’LL BE STUCK HERE IN MY APARTMENT TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING CREATIVE OUT OF BLUE PAINT, A NET, AND A FUCKING BOX. HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN, TAYE DIGGS, YOU FUCKING PRETTY-BOY. (I don’t mean that, Taye (there’s a .000001% chance he’ll read this). You seem like a good enough person. Besides, you were great in….in….Anyways, moving on….)

Afterwards, Kristin Cavallari was the next guess. She is on one of those half-scripted, half-reality shows on MTV (“The Hills”, “Laguna Beach”, etc). Wisely, Taye Diggs did not stick around for this interview. Had he stayed, America would have witnessed a stable marriage self-destruct in five minutes. I always find the part where the first guest stays while the second one is interviewed the most interesting. You get two people from two completely different worlds interacting. In other words, you get extremely awkward moments. If you don’t believe me, check out this.

As awesome as that link is, however, I do not want Norm Macdonald to be the other guest while I’m on…