If you’re like me, you hate people, will do anything to have as little-to-no interaction with them (especially ones you don’t know), and can’t stand dealing with them. If so, please allow me to give you assistance with one of our world’s biggest problems (right behind N1H1 virus and Kanye West): the double-door conundrum.

When you enter a building right behind someone, he/she usually holds the door open for you. They don’t do it because they are good people; they do it because they look like good people for doing it. Think about it. There’s a child molester somewhere who has held the door open for someone, and that someone found this person to be cordial and pleasant, but I digress. To handle the situation quickly, you give them the quick “Thanks” as you go through the door behind them.

There’s just one problem. There’s another door right there; and sure enough, the fucker’s holding that one open for you as well like the damn tool he is. Oh, you’re just a regular boy-scout today; aren’t you, dickhead? Of course, you can’t let this dumbass think that you’re so simple that you’re just going to say “thanks” again. You could handle the situation with some kind of lame joke like saying, “God, you are so kind! Thank you!” in an ironic manner, but then that may spark some kind of conversation with this pompous prick. Screw that. You could say nothing, but then you come off as not knowing what to say, which will make you seem uncomfortable, and you definitely don’t want this loser in front of you to think he’d ever have the upper hand on you. Unfortunately, unless you can think of something creative, you realize you’re stuck with one of these options…

…Until now. Here’s my patented way of dealing with this awful problem. At the first door, do the mumbling “thanks.” This one is going to take a little practice. You have to make it seem as though you barely notice him/her opening the door for you. Pretend you’re in the middle of some random thought and you barely notice the person, and don’t make eye contact. When you get to the second door, then let out an earnest “thanks.” This way, you are able to mix up your responses in order to keep your enemy on his toes; but you also make it just short and sweet enough so that you’ll never have to deal with anything else afterwards. You can just go on your separate way.

Follow this method, and you’ll at least be able to avoid a few awkward moments with people that you probably don’t like. Perhaps this is a good thing; perhaps I think about these things to much. Either way, you’re welcome…