Kids today are not being taught the skills they need to cope in the real world, according to a report from an international think tank.

In the report, it details how schools are not equipping young people with essential life skills such as drinking in public, swearing at other drivers, and pushing in at cash registers. From a survey taken of over 500 young people, large majorities were unable to identify a bong, and many were unable to come up with adequate excuses as to “why that report is late”. Nearly half those questioned did not know how to hot-wire a car.

Government officials are said to be worried. “If our children grow up without knowing the best time of day to take a dump while at work, it doesn’t look like there is much hope for our future.” remarked one civil servant.