Like most people, I often wonder what it would be like if I were to become rich and famous. Would it change me (probably)? Would I completely ditch my friends for new, better ones (definitely…they suck anyways)? How long would it take me to get addicted to coke? or X? Would I get married to some bang-arifically hot model, only to be caught on camera cheating on her with a fat, Thai ladyman-whore? Would I eventually start wearing flashy and conspicuous (gay) clothing like most of them?

It then dawns on me. Wait a second, this sounds horrible! I don’t want to be involved with any of this shit at all.

Life as a celebrity really doesn’t seem so great. Sure, you get shitloads of money, a bunch of weak pussies brown-nosing you, and a bunch of fans asking you for an autograph that you could probably dip your cock in ink to sign and they’d be misty-eyed with elation. You also have to deal with a bunch of European cumwads taking pictures of you 24/7, even if you have to pick your nose or scratch your dick. Also, there are a bunch of assholes who flip out whenever a celebrity complains about anything (I am included in this group). They seem like the luckiest sons of bitches (or daughters of bitches) on the planet, which takes away any right they have to complain (a fair statement). Pretty much everyone has this sort of attitude. Now imagine all of those people directing that sort of attention at you. Any move you make is judged under that mindset. That sounds especially god-awful to a guy like me who enjoys complaining 24/7.

In conclusion, forget about the fast life. Give me a decently cute wife who will laugh at my 10 year old toilet humor and a middle-class house; I’ll be satisfied. That being said, if Judd Apatow called me up one day and said he’d give me 10 million dollars to act like an asshole in his new movie, would I take it? You bet your ballsack I would.