If you’re like me, you hate people, will do anything to have as little-to-no interaction with them (especially ones you don’t know), and can’t stand dealing with them. If so, please allow me to give you assistance with one of our world’s biggest problems (right behind N1H1 virus and Kanye West): the double-door conundrum.

When you enter a building right behind someone, he/she usually holds the door open for you. They don’t do it because they are good people; they do it because they look like good people for doing it. Think about it. There’s a child molester somewhere who has held the door open for someone, and that someone found this person to be cordial and pleasant, but I digress. To handle the situation quickly, you give them the quick “Thanks” as you go through the door behind them.

There’s just one problem. There’s another door right there; and sure enough, the fucker’s holding that one open for you as well like the damn tool he is. Oh, you’re just a regular boy-scout today; aren’t you, dickhead? Of course, you can’t let this dumbass think that you’re so simple that you’re just going to say “thanks” again. You could handle the situation with some kind of lame joke like saying, “God, you are so kind! Thank you!” in an ironic manner, but then that may spark some kind of conversation with this pompous prick. Screw that. You could say nothing, but then you come off as not knowing what to say, which will make you seem uncomfortable, and you definitely don’t want this loser in front of you to think he’d ever have the upper hand on you. Unfortunately, unless you can think of something creative, you realize you’re stuck with one of these options…

…Until now. Here’s my patented way of dealing with this awful problem. At the first door, do the mumbling “thanks.” This one is going to take a little practice. You have to make it seem as though you barely notice him/her opening the door for you. Pretend you’re in the middle of some random thought and you barely notice the person, and don’t make eye contact. When you get to the second door, then let out an earnest “thanks.” This way, you are able to mix up your responses in order to keep your enemy on his toes; but you also make it just short and sweet enough so that you’ll never have to deal with anything else afterwards. You can just go on your separate way.

Follow this method, and you’ll at least be able to avoid a few awkward moments with people that you probably don’t like. Perhaps this is a good thing; perhaps I think about these things to much. Either way, you’re welcome…

You can use your Iphone to find out the name of your future partner, your baby, and when you’re going to die, so why not get some information that is useful TODAY?

Well now you can. New Iphone software tells you the expected time, weight, and consistency of your next dump.

Simply install the software, enter everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours, and the amazing software will give you a computer generated picture of your next poo. Accurately rendered in full 3D, you can rotate, zoom and even sniff the predicted plop. No more wondering what kind of crap you’re going to have next – now you’ll know!

Seriously, if someone actually writes this software and makes a million from it, I’ll be coming after you!

This is a commercial running in Canada for Bud Light Lime Flavored Beer which is now available in a can…

There’s a very good chance that I’m going to fail out on my final semester at college. This would be very sad. The average semester at my school entails taking 4 classes. I am taking 2…and it’s not starting well. I went to class on the first day, and have been to a total of 0 since. (NOTE: Please do not mention that fucking word “senioritis” to me. It is so overused. I seriously hope I catch swine flu so everyone I know can say I have that instead of senioritis….also, that would give me a legitimate excuse for missing my classes.)

College works a little different from high school. You pay thousands of dollars to have permission to boring lectures by accomplished wise-asses. So, it would be better for your “return on investment” if you take in every little bit of knowledge (brainwashing) that the professors have to say. Not for me, though. I need to be the rebel. Yeaaaa, give people thousands of dollars of money and then refuse to get anything in return…that’ll show ‘em.

I can’t say I even have a legitimate excuse for my truancy. I wish I could sit here and tell you (or type you) that I was offered a threesome by this bonerific chick and her ass-tacular friend, but I can’t (that probably would’ve only lasted 5 minutes anyways and I would’ve went to class a little late afterwards). Here’s what I did instead of going: nothing. Literally, I just sat in a chair and mulled over whether or not I should go to class. Then, time made the decision for me an hour later.

Basically, I’m making idiotic decisions that I should really reconsider. Actually, that’s a good idea. I’ll do that tomorrow, instead of going to class.

This video is kinda on fire lately.  Thank goodness I get CNN in Mexico!

The groom here doesn’t know his waffles from his wife.  I’m happy I can’t marry because I would hate for this to happen on my wedding day.  If my groom went  cackly cackly on me, that’s it, I’m walkin.  NEXT!  Haha. Just kidding

Drinking on Sundays and irrationally spending money are two things that would be wise for me to avoid at all costs. So obviously you can see why I let my friend Taco talk me into going to a Booze Cruise with him this past Sunday. A lot of things factored into this decision. For one, I’d never been on one before which is just sad for a college student. Also, I wanted to see the view of the Boston skyline (I’m a pussy).

So Taco and I joined 2 other friends and we went to the bar that set up the whole thing. Multiple scorpion bowls and beers later, we were all a mess. We then made our way down the street into our boat and headed out. As I expected, the view of Boston is pretty cool from a boat. As I didn’t expect, the rest of the night was a long, regretful wreck. A booze cruise is like being in a dance club, complete with douchebags and stuck-up girls; except there’s no escape because you’re in the middle of the fucking ocean. To make the most of the situation, I pounded even more beers and guided my half-dead body on to the dance floor. I attempted to sketchily dance with every girl there, which caused them to walk away. After continuing this rather fun game of cat-and-mouse for a while, I went to the bathroom and proceeded to puke my brains out. Shortly afterwards, the boat arrived back at the harbor. The night was over….until Taco convinced me to go with him back to the bar.

My drunkenness being at a level more dangerous than “Terror Alert: Red”, I then agreed to do some karaoke. My song of choice: “Hypnotize” by B.I.G. I know (almost) every word to this song, but that’s not the point. I chose it because I was able to drop the “N-bomb” on a microphone. The looks I got were priceless.

Needless to say, I didn’t make it into work the next day, which is horrible for my finances. Eventually, I’ll learn. I hope that doesn’t come any time soon.

As this summer comes to a close, I can’t help but think about how much it sucked. Working from 9-5 every Monday through Friday in an office gave me a staunch view of how my life is going to be. All my life I was told how awesome life would be if I had a degree and was working in an office by my mother. Well, ma, no offense, but that was gay. Now I have to pay the consequences, for life. Don’t feel guilty or anything.

Rather then getting up at 10 AM and watching Jenna Haze get fucked up the ass by a donkey while she’s sucking off some random dude (more or less the way I’ve always spent my summer days), I had to get up at 7 AM everyday, go into the office, and read specifications. I’m not saying that it was bad; all I’m saying is I would’ve rather stuck my dick in a shredder.

In terms of weather during the summer in New England, it’s either 95 fucking degrees or it’s raining. Those are your two options. You would think this would be a good thing with the potential for scantily clad girls in the area, but the problem is that some of them are fat and it only takes the sight of one fat bitch in short shorts to ruin the fantasy involving the 10 hot girls that passed by before her. Some men go on safaries to Africa to take down big game; I wish they’d come to Boston take down fat chicks. I don’t think we have to worry about them being an endangered species anytime soon.

More complaints about my summer to come (cuz I know you care oh so much)….

Today I’m blogging about sketchalous ways to make some quick pesos or quick coins outside your regular day job.  Now, a preface might be that these options might only work in certain areas of the world, but it’s especially doable in the Mexican city where I’m currently living. 

Clowning Around

The reason I’m writing this post is because in the town where I’m living, it’s a regular thing to bump into clowns. I will see them waiting for a bus, applying condiments to a recently bought hot dog at the local convenient store, and sometimes I will see (two) clowns walking hand in hand down the street.  They come in similar shapes and sizes– post-high school age with sparkles and stars and other shapes painted on their faces.  They always have the rubbery clog size shoes; and the clowns always have the big red noses and their suspender get-up that we all recognize in a clown outfit.

So that’s the general description of a clown that I will see in town.  Sounds like a normal clown, no?  

Now the other day I was getting on the bus and two clowns got on also to make some spare pesos– or, and most likely, to make their hourly wage– they do this by singing, making jokes, etc., just like regular clowns.  Again pretty normal for clowns.  They did their routine and people whipped out change and placed it in their palms once their routine had ended.  I´m somewhat cheap, (hey I’m Jewish ok?) and I didn´t understand the routine because it was en Español, but even I gave the clowns some pesos.

What was sketchy this time around was that these two clowns were trolling around with a child!  This child was part of their act and the niño could not have been older than 15 months.  NO, their mini-clown was seriously only 13 months.  Clown number two had mini-clown the entire time wrapped under her arm and in the back of the bus while Clown number one passed a hacky-sack between eachother in addition to the spanish routine.  Let me just say I felt the scene  was sketchy.com-worthy. 

I googled some images to find pics and/or videos of such acts.  Instead, I stumbled upon the following video on Bess and Kyle´s “On our Own Path” blog that seems like an account of their whirlwind of adventures across the world.  They have been traveling for 570 days, having done the leg of Mexico and Argentina in a year.  Now they´re teaching in South Korea.

Bess and Kyle´s video is quite funny to me considering I have seriously witnessed each¨”cheap” way to make extra pesos here in Mexico.  I would definitely say that each in the video are pretty sketchy—- and their entire list goes on to other bizarre ideas like poking sleeping men on the boardwalk to pirate ships.

To be quite honest, every time a singer or a mariachi band or a banjo player or a clown boards one of my buses, even if I don´t place a peso in their hand, you can bet that I´ve come very close to jumping up and singing and/or joking with them– or atleast taking up the idea to become a sketchy clown on the side JEJE,,, but definitely not quitting one of my day jobs.  LOLz.

aaaawwwwkkwarrdd :-/

I love the awkward turtle.  In fact, I only remembered it now when I discovered a fabulous new way to express your level of uncomfort with magic hand motions.  They are magic because they help describe how you feel at a given b-zaro moment.  I would first like to introduce Miss Awkward Turtle, (genders and titles can of course vary).

From urban dictionary:

	Awkward Turtle	558 up, 46 down
	During an awkward moment, this hand gesture is used to mark the situation as awkward, and, depending on the situation, makes it more awkward or clears the air. The awkward turtle is made by putting one hand on top of the other with the thumbs sticking outward and rotating forward. The speed of the rotating thumbs depends on the degree of awkwardness. Boy- “I love you.” Girl- “Um…that’s cool…” Boy- *AWKWARD TURTLE* awkward turtle awkward turtle baton rouge trip miles johnson by <3 curse of curves <3 May 29, 2007 share this

Here’s a video that shows the proper ways to use Awkward Turtle!:

Soooo, now that you have met awkward turtle, I now give you Sketchy Clam, via again, the urban dictionary:

	sketchy clam	1 up, 1 down
	The lesser-known cousin of the awkward turtle. Used when a situation is sketchy. The motion is two closed fists, joined at the wrist, making a clapping motion. The Maharishi University of Management attracts large numbers of hippies, but still exhibits strong class division. *sketchy clam* awkward turtle sketchy shady sentient animal emotive action by Mary Wollstonecraft Jun 10, 2008 share this

There seems to be less info out there about our Sketchy Clam, so if you find anything, comment b-low.  And,,, thanks for meeting Awkward Turtle and Sketchy Clam.  Mucho gusto jejeje   Now go wait for an uncomfortable moment and rock out with the Awkward Turtle or wait for a sketchy moment and pop out with the Sketchy Clam!!  Later, I will introduce you to Katie Tay’s animals that make your friends feel uncomfortable LOLz.  She has taught me of the salmon, the scorpion, the giblet and they are sort of friendly.  But not at first! JEJE.  Check the wikipipedia page and look under “Other Awkward Animals”.   Kthnxbyz!

1.	sketchy clam	1 up, 1 down
	The lesser-known cousin of the awkward turtle. Used when a situation is sketchy. The motion is two closed fists, joined at the wrist, making a clapping motion. The Maharishi University of Management attracts large numbers of hippies, but still exhibits strong class division. *sketchy clam* get this def on a mug awkward turtle sketchy shady sentient animal emotive action by Mary Wollstonecraft Jun 10, 2008 share this

We recently added several new contributors and we’re getting a feel for just how sketchy they are… If you are interested in contributing to sketchy.com, please register today and drop me an an email.

We really don’t have a plan for where this site is heading but we can assure you it will feature a regular amount of sketchiness for your enjoyment.