Today a ruling in the high court means that Google will now be responsible for ensuring that no bad things happen on the internet. Following on from a case where they failed to delete material put online by someone else, they now have to make sure that there is nothing else on the internet that may incriminate any Google staff.

Google are now looking on all forums and discussion boards to make sure that nobody is swearing or being mean to other users. All web searches for anything sex-related are to be reported to the FBI and the perpetrators will have their email address put on the sex offenders register. Nobody will be allowed to use the internet after 11pm.

“It’s better to be safe than sorry!” exclaimed one staff member. “We must seek out anything that may be deemed offensive and delete it from the internet.” He pondered this for a moment. “It’s a big job. It might be easier just to wipe the whole internet and start again.”

The news was welcomed by the Iranian government. A spokesperson said: “As Google have lots of information about people who use the internet, they must use it to stop these infidels committing crimes against God. It is their God-given obligation to protect our eyes from this evil filth! They must delete all material that causes people to be tempted by those hot beach sluts that I’ve never seen.”

Kids today are not being taught the skills they need to cope in the real world, according to a report from an international think tank.

In the report, it details how schools are not equipping young people with essential life skills such as drinking in public, swearing at other drivers, and pushing in at cash registers. From a survey taken of over 500 young people, large majorities were unable to identify a bong, and many were unable to come up with adequate excuses as to “why that report is late”. Nearly half those questioned did not know how to hot-wire a car.

Government officials are said to be worried. “If our children grow up without knowing the best time of day to take a dump while at work, it doesn’t look like there is much hope for our future.” remarked one civil servant.

The new Gilmore Girls complete Blu Ray Box set, released on Monday, is the first Blu Ray release to include a “Slow down to normal people speed” setting. The new feature was added in the interests of public sanity.

For those viewers who missed everything that was ever said on the Gilmore Girls, which is all of us, you will now be able to follow along by slowing their speech down to a level audible by the human ear.

“Think of it as an ‘anti-verbal-diarrhoea tablet’, allowing you to digest their dialogue easier.” said the producer.

Other publishers have been inspired to add interesting features to future releases. For example, the Ugly Betty box set will include a feature to turn down the pretentiousness, while Lost is set to include an actual plot as a bonus feature.

Michael Bay is about to release his latest movie, titled “Boom” which aims to break the record for the biggest explosion ever in a movie. The movie, which is just over 4 hours long, is simply one long explosion that lasts the entire duration.

“It’s a story of love, life, and how they come together to give the meaning of destiny in one climatic piece”. says Bay, who seems to have completely lost the plot, literally.

When asked what was the cause of the explosion, Bay told us to “just go and watch it” as he didn’t want to give away the ending.

The movie is released at IMAX and 3D cinemas this week. We recommend you take a book, or at least some beer.

Mark Windsor, a brick layer from down the road, logged onto his MySpace account today for the first time in 3 years, only to find that he had no friends in his friends list. Upon further investigation, it became apparent to Mr Windsor that everyone in the world had actually left MySpace, around the same time that people stopped “poking” each other on Facebook.

A stunned Mr Windsor, who still uses Windows ME, explained “I thought at first that nobody liked me any more. Then I realised that in fact, all my friends had just left MySpace, along with everyone else on the planet. I was a little bit disappointed, as I had just found a really good glittery ‘Thanks for the add’ picture of a cat that I wanted to post in peoples’ comments.”

He is currently trying to adapt to all the new social networking services. However, so far his only tweets have been of random html code.

Tragedy struck a local disco last night, when dozens of dancers were caught in a blaze that spread through the building. It’s said that the party goers ignored instructions to “Evacuate the dance floor”, believing the announcement to be the DJ putting his own spin on the Cascada song of the same name.  

Club owner Richie Mann said it was a tragic series of events. “The fire was spreading so we stopped the music and made the announcements. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication and the punters carried on dancing. They even cheered louder when the room filled with smoke.”

He continued. “We tried to get the message through but everything we tried just got them more excited. I would advise that musicians think carefully in future about how they name their songs and what implications it might have.” Mr Mann even took it upon himself to attempt to clarify the announcements, but reportedly his use of the words “disco inferno” only exacabated the situation.

I’ve only seen about 15 minutes of the real show…

“My nail clippers should be here. Why aren’t they fucking here? I’m just not looking hard enough. I should keep searching longer. I’ll look under this sheet of paper. Not here. Dammit, I’d like to get to bed soon. It’s possible that my roommate was using them and never gave them back. Naw, I’m just being crazy. There’s no need to bother him; but what if he did? It’s obviously not completely out of the realm of possibility that my roommate used my nail clippers. No, they’re definitely on this desk because there’s no other goddamn place where I keep them…but I’m staring at the fucking desk right now and guess what…THEY’RE NOT HERE!!! Ok, fine, while I wasn’t thinking, I put them in the drawer. My mom once found her keys in her refrigerator. Anything’s possible…..Of course they’re not fucking here! Of course, you IDIOT! Fuck it I’m asking my roommate.”

“TOM!”

“YEA?”

“HAVE YOU SEEN MY NAIL CLIPPERS?”

“….NO!”

“FUUUUUCK! HOW THE FUCK DO I KEEP LOSING SHIT! This is unbelievable. I’m 23, and my head is already becoming senile. I should be fucking college bitches right now. I should kill myself. Fuck it, I’m just going to fucking kill my…oh wait…here they are right here…on my desk.”

What you just read was the last 20 minutes of yesterday. That’s 1/72nd of my day, not exactly ideal efficiency. One would suggest to me that I should be more organized, or I should stop drinking so I don’t achieve brain-farts like this, or I should stop masturbating with a belt around my neck. All of these are great pieces of advice (although I’m not sure how the last one applies here), but I probably won’t follow them. Losing things is a tradition passed on from generation to generation, as far back as there have been things to lose; and I’m not about to be the asshole who breaks that. Also, organized people are fags.

Screw any big movie role, or some #1 rock hit. You don’t really know you’ve made it until you’ve been on a late-night talk show. There must be no other feeling like it. You sit there and recount random stories, while about two hundred people listen intently; you have their undivided attention. They are there to see you; and they will cheer loudly and mindlessly at whatever you say. The host sets you up with questions that you are already prepared for, and you end up looking awesome.

I am currently watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. Taye Diggs from “Private Practice” was just on. He talked about the birth of his son. The Oooohs and aaaws followed every sentence. During the story, he talked about how they now turn the placenta into pill form so it can be taken daily (apparently, it contains nutrients); and people fucking laughed at that. If I tried a story like that, I’d lose my speaking privileges for the rest of the night. At the end, Jimmy gave him a gift…a Chuck Norris Halloween outfit! (….ahem….wait for it….wait for it….) A FUCKING CHUCK NORRIS HALLOWEEN OUTFIT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHUCK NORRIS COWBOY GEAR!? OH, GREAT! THE RICH FUCKING GET RICHER AND I’LL BE STUCK HERE IN MY APARTMENT TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING CREATIVE OUT OF BLUE PAINT, A NET, AND A FUCKING BOX. HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN, TAYE DIGGS, YOU FUCKING PRETTY-BOY. (I don’t mean that, Taye (there’s a .000001% chance he’ll read this). You seem like a good enough person. Besides, you were great in….in….Anyways, moving on….)

Afterwards, Kristin Cavallari was the next guess. She is on one of those half-scripted, half-reality shows on MTV (“The Hills”, “Laguna Beach”, etc). Wisely, Taye Diggs did not stick around for this interview. Had he stayed, America would have witnessed a stable marriage self-destruct in five minutes. I always find the part where the first guest stays while the second one is interviewed the most interesting. You get two people from two completely different worlds interacting. In other words, you get extremely awkward moments. If you don’t believe me, check out this.

As awesome as that link is, however, I do not want Norm Macdonald to be the other guest while I’m on…

Leave it to the Japanese… A Japanese hidden camera show called ‘Panic Face King’ goes extreme on this poor guy, luring him into a fake meeting in which everyone is killed by a sniper except for him. He is definitely the panic face king.

Terrifying Sniper Prank on Japanese TV – Watch more Funny Videos