Scientists in New Zealand, working with the Farmer’s union, have stumbled upon a novel method for generating vast quantities of clean, free energy.

While performing routine “tests” in the area, the small team of scientists found their “instruments” were being unexpectedly charged.

“The power is truly abundant bro.” said Dr B. Ollocks, from Aukland University. “Stroking a sheep generates huge amounts of static electricity, which we can now convert to normal electricity. Rubbing a sheep vigorously for 15 minutes generates enough energy to power a small Leptop for an hour.”

The discovery has exploded the New Zealand economy as hundreds of citizens take to the fields to charge their phones, cameras, and hybrid cars.

New houses are being built to incorporate special “Sheep stroking booths” where inhabitants can spend an hour or so massaging the family sheep in order to power their lights, TV and oven for the evening.

The Large Hadron collider delivered its first high energy particle collisions today, giving us unprecedented insights into the universe and its creation. It was a monumental day in the world of science, but not everyone was happy with the results.

“This particle soup is f***ing tasteless!” screamed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. “What kind of f***ing chef are you? I’ve tasted more appetizing dishwater! Get the f*** out of my kitchen!” Ramsey was at the LHC filming for his latest program “Scientific Research Facility Nightmares” when he had a chance to sample the 3.5 TeV proton beam collision.

The controversial particle accelerator produced temperatures over one billion times hotter than the centre of the Sun. Mr Ramsay was not overly impressed about this.

“Ten to the sixteen degrees Celsius? Who was supposed to be f***ing watching it?”

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?” We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.

March, and Ken Bobbins from New Jersey is sitting at home in front of the TV with a beer and a cigarette. The year started off so promisingly – he had stopped smoking and drinking for several hours back in January. He had even put on his running shoes. But it was to go no further.

“I think I can probably resign to the fact that I’ve failed.” said Mr Bobbins. “I planned to stop smoking and drinking and get more exercise, but that pretty much went out the window early in January.”

Mr Bobbins plans to make more optimistic resolutions next year.

An escalator broke down today at a local shopping mall. The patrons of the mall were forced to walk down the stationary steps. The incident didn’t cause too many problems.

Sketchy spoke to Bob Stepford, who just happened to be out buying a new stepladder.

“It didn’t cause too many problems.” he said. The great thing about escalators is that when they break down, they just become stairs.”

In other news, a sea plane broke down off the Santa Monica coast. This didn’t cause too many problems, as the plane just became a boat.

Even the best writers struggle sometimes. Sketchy staff set out this morning to write a satirical story about Lady Gaga, but it seems that over the weekend we were beaten to the punch by her latest exploits.

“She’s just too freaking weird.” said one writer. “We couldn’t even come close to competing with her level of ridiculousness. No matter how much we exaggerate, or how obscure we think, she’s always one step ahead of us.”

Gaga lives in Los Angeles in a house made out of live goats. The controversial singer continues to baffle and confuse the general public with her bizarre antics. Last week she was spotted trying to set fire to a cabbage while wearing nothing but army boots.

Another Earthquake, another military occupation. But Sunday’s quake in Chile is set to push the American military to its limits.

The quake sent the U.S. military into a preparation frenzy. Tanks and planes are being loaded up with ammunition and soldiers are receiving intensive training on shooting tear gas at children, gaining control of oil fields, and waving bags of rice at hungry families.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Defence Department said: “I can’t believe this. We were just starting to get on top of oppressing the people of Haiti and then another earthquake comes along.. If we invade Chile as well I fear our forces will be too thinly spread.”