After years of anticipation and hard-won research, physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have finally observed the Higgs boson in action, a truly remarkable discovery accompanied by air punching from scientists the world over.
The Higgs boson, also known as the ‘God Particle’, was first proposed in the 1960s by physicist Peter Higgs as a way of explaining, among other high-level, non-scientist-unfriendly concepts, more or less how matter is composed. And now for the very first time in the history of science since Higgs, physicists have access to real statistical data proving the validity of this particular hypothesis.
The celebrations, however, have officially been put on hold in light of new press statements coming in from the Director General at CERN itself, Mr. Rolf-Dieter Heuer:
“Dear Citizens of The World,
We at CERN are all highly pleased at the public response that this finding has received. After much deliberation, however, we feel it is only prudent to revise our initial public statement, in order to let you know what really transpired on the day of discovery.
Yes, we found the Higgs boson. And yes, it’s beautiful.
But what we did not immediately disclose out of respect for the families involved, was the mysterious disappearance of several of our top scientists shortly after the boson was found.
We can only hope that their disappearance is a result of them needing some quiet time away from the press in order to reflect on their findings rather than, say, having been sucked into one of the tiny multidimensional wormholes that have popped up in and around the Large Hadron Collider recently. Oh and yes, we may have unwittingly opened a few small wormholes here and there… But to be fair, they are really tiny and well, kind of cute.