sketchy.com

Yellow “Boogie Man” creature on side of building near El Centro, Bogota. Bogota Graffiti | Flickr – Photo Sharing!.

Seaworld may pull the plug on their all you can eat deal after a major in flux of professional eaters.

At 12:23pm on Saturday 3 November 2011 the reigning champion of the world’s longest game of hide and seek was accidentally discovered by his friend Fred through the use of the world’s most popular social media platform.

Timothy, a 28 year old man from Minnesota, challenged his friend to the game in the summer of 1992, but after failing to find Tim after about a half hour or so Fred gave up on his search and returned home to lead a normal life, never to see Timothy again. Until a few weeks ago, that is.

“I was just checking my Facebook, when a new person popped up in my ‘People You May Know’ suggestions box. I was sure I didn’t know this guy, but something about his face seemed really familiar.”

And then he remembered, and Fred knew what he had to do. After sending a friend request to Timothy with a fake Facebook account, Fred infiltrated Timothy’s circle of Facebook friends under the guise of his distant aunt Martha – who did not have an account yet. Fred then wrote down the company where Timothy worked, and the next day he ended a game that had lasted nearly two decades.

Hide and seek officials have declared this the longest running hiding streak in the history of the game, but have yet to confirm the validity of the find amidst recent allegations of cheating.

International representative James Moriarty explains, “It’s a tricky call to make. Fred did find Timothy, but the fact that he gathered intelligence on his whereabouts from an external source, well… That’s a bit iffy. However, what’s been seen cannot be unseen, as they say, so this one’s officially game over.”

I live on the same latitude as Hawaii on the Pacific– as I’ve posted before, I live in Mexico. Despite being on the west coast of Latin America, it didn’t stop me from spending some 47-odd hours in New York City, Philadelphia AND Baltimore this weekend. Now, while such a quick trip to the East Coast Megalopoly does indeed have plenty of potential for sketchy.com, I absolutely must share the last and final experience I had in Penn Station.

I had bought some yogurt, some granola, some fruit and a large jug of peanut butter– crema de cacachate en espanol– and headed over the penn station at about 1am on Sunday night. After locating the proper NJ Transit train, I sat down between a Jewish man and a lady with a large transportation device (for her cat, not her). Well, I was somewhat hungry, so I decided to dig into my night snack/breakfast and while I was doing this, Cat lady also pulled out some food for her kitty.

March, and Ken Bobbins from New Jersey is sitting at home in front of the TV with a beer and a cigarette. The year started off so promisingly – he had stopped smoking and drinking for several hours back in January. He had even put on his running shoes. But it was to go no further.

“I think I can probably resign to the fact that I’ve failed.” said Mr Bobbins. “I planned to stop smoking and drinking and get more exercise, but that pretty much went out the window early in January.”

Mr Bobbins plans to make more optimistic resolutions next year.

An escalator broke down today at a local shopping mall. The patrons of the mall were forced to walk down the stationary steps. The incident didn’t cause too many problems.

Sketchy spoke to Bob Stepford, who just happened to be out buying a new stepladder.

“It didn’t cause too many problems.” he said. The great thing about escalators is that when they break down, they just become stairs.”

In other news, a sea plane broke down off the Santa Monica coast. This didn’t cause too many problems, as the plane just became a boat.

Kids today are not being taught the skills they need to cope in the real world, according to a report from an international think tank.

In the report, it details how schools are not equipping young people with essential life skills such as drinking in public, swearing at other drivers, and pushing in at cash registers. From a survey taken of over 500 young people, large majorities were unable to identify a bong, and many were unable to come up with adequate excuses as to “why that report is late”. Nearly half those questioned did not know how to hot-wire a car.

Government officials are said to be worried. “If our children grow up without knowing the best time of day to take a dump while at work, it doesn’t look like there is much hope for our future.” remarked one civil servant.

The new Gilmore Girls complete Blu Ray Box set, released on Monday, is the first Blu Ray release to include a “Slow down to normal people speed” setting. The new feature was added in the interests of public sanity.

For those viewers who missed everything that was ever said on the Gilmore Girls, which is all of us, you will now be able to follow along by slowing their speech down to a level audible by the human ear.

“Think of it as an ‘anti-verbal-diarrhoea tablet’, allowing you to digest their dialogue easier.” said the producer.

Other publishers have been inspired to add interesting features to future releases. For example, the Ugly Betty box set will include a feature to turn down the pretentiousness, while Lost is set to include an actual plot as a bonus feature.

Michael Bay is about to release his latest movie, titled “Boom” which aims to break the record for the biggest explosion ever in a movie. The movie, which is just over 4 hours long, is simply one long explosion that lasts the entire duration.

“It’s a story of love, life, and how they come together to give the meaning of destiny in one climatic piece”. says Bay, who seems to have completely lost the plot, literally.

When asked what was the cause of the explosion, Bay told us to “just go and watch it” as he didn’t want to give away the ending.

The movie is released at IMAX and 3D cinemas this week. We recommend you take a book, or at least some beer.

Mark Windsor, a brick layer from down the road, logged onto his MySpace account today for the first time in 3 years, only to find that he had no friends in his friends list. Upon further investigation, it became apparent to Mr Windsor that everyone in the world had actually left MySpace, around the same time that people stopped “poking” each other on Facebook.

A stunned Mr Windsor, who still uses Windows ME, explained “I thought at first that nobody liked me any more. Then I realised that in fact, all my friends had just left MySpace, along with everyone else on the planet. I was a little bit disappointed, as I had just found a really good glittery ‘Thanks for the add’ picture of a cat that I wanted to post in peoples’ comments.”

He is currently trying to adapt to all the new social networking services. However, so far his only tweets have been of random html code.

“My nail clippers should be here. Why aren’t they fucking here? I’m just not looking hard enough. I should keep searching longer. I’ll look under this sheet of paper. Not here. Dammit, I’d like to get to bed soon. It’s possible that my roommate was using them and never gave them back. Naw, I’m just being crazy. There’s no need to bother him; but what if he did? It’s obviously not completely out of the realm of possibility that my roommate used my nail clippers. No, they’re definitely on this desk because there’s no other goddamn place where I keep them…but I’m staring at the fucking desk right now and guess what…THEY’RE NOT HERE!!! Ok, fine, while I wasn’t thinking, I put them in the drawer. My mom once found her keys in her refrigerator. Anything’s possible…..Of course they’re not fucking here! Of course, you IDIOT! Fuck it I’m asking my roommate.”

“TOM!”

“YEA?”

“HAVE YOU SEEN MY NAIL CLIPPERS?”

“….NO!”

“FUUUUUCK! HOW THE FUCK DO I KEEP LOSING SHIT! This is unbelievable. I’m 23, and my head is already becoming senile. I should be fucking college bitches right now. I should kill myself. Fuck it, I’m just going to fucking kill my…oh wait…here they are right here…on my desk.”

What you just read was the last 20 minutes of yesterday. That’s 1/72nd of my day, not exactly ideal efficiency. One would suggest to me that I should be more organized, or I should stop drinking so I don’t achieve brain-farts like this, or I should stop masturbating with a belt around my neck. All of these are great pieces of advice (although I’m not sure how the last one applies here), but I probably won’t follow them. Losing things is a tradition passed on from generation to generation, as far back as there have been things to lose; and I’m not about to be the asshole who breaks that. Also, organized people are fags.

Screw any big movie role, or some #1 rock hit. You don’t really know you’ve made it until you’ve been on a late-night talk show. There must be no other feeling like it. You sit there and recount random stories, while about two hundred people listen intently; you have their undivided attention. They are there to see you; and they will cheer loudly and mindlessly at whatever you say. The host sets you up with questions that you are already prepared for, and you end up looking awesome.

I am currently watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. Taye Diggs from “Private Practice” was just on. He talked about the birth of his son. The Oooohs and aaaws followed every sentence. During the story, he talked about how they now turn the placenta into pill form so it can be taken daily (apparently, it contains nutrients); and people fucking laughed at that. If I tried a story like that, I’d lose my speaking privileges for the rest of the night. At the end, Jimmy gave him a gift…a Chuck Norris Halloween outfit! (….ahem….wait for it….wait for it….) A FUCKING CHUCK NORRIS HALLOWEEN OUTFIT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHUCK NORRIS COWBOY GEAR!? OH, GREAT! THE RICH FUCKING GET RICHER AND I’LL BE STUCK HERE IN MY APARTMENT TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING CREATIVE OUT OF BLUE PAINT, A NET, AND A FUCKING BOX. HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN, TAYE DIGGS, YOU FUCKING PRETTY-BOY. (I don’t mean that, Taye (there’s a .000001% chance he’ll read this). You seem like a good enough person. Besides, you were great in….in….Anyways, moving on….)

Afterwards, Kristin Cavallari was the next guess. She is on one of those half-scripted, half-reality shows on MTV (“The Hills”, “Laguna Beach”, etc). Wisely, Taye Diggs did not stick around for this interview. Had he stayed, America would have witnessed a stable marriage self-destruct in five minutes. I always find the part where the first guest stays while the second one is interviewed the most interesting. You get two people from two completely different worlds interacting. In other words, you get extremely awkward moments. If you don’t believe me, check out this.

As awesome as that link is, however, I do not want Norm Macdonald to be the other guest while I’m on…

If you’re like me, you hate people, will do anything to have as little-to-no interaction with them (especially ones you don’t know), and can’t stand dealing with them. If so, please allow me to give you assistance with one of our world’s biggest problems (right behind N1H1 virus and Kanye West): the double-door conundrum.

When you enter a building right behind someone, he/she usually holds the door open for you. They don’t do it because they are good people; they do it because they look like good people for doing it. Think about it. There’s a child molester somewhere who has held the door open for someone, and that someone found this person to be cordial and pleasant, but I digress. To handle the situation quickly, you give them the quick “Thanks” as you go through the door behind them.

There’s just one problem. There’s another door right there; and sure enough, the fucker’s holding that one open for you as well like the damn tool he is. Oh, you’re just a regular boy-scout today; aren’t you, dickhead? Of course, you can’t let this dumbass think that you’re so simple that you’re just going to say “thanks” again. You could handle the situation with some kind of lame joke like saying, “God, you are so kind! Thank you!” in an ironic manner, but then that may spark some kind of conversation with this pompous prick. Screw that. You could say nothing, but then you come off as not knowing what to say, which will make you seem uncomfortable, and you definitely don’t want this loser in front of you to think he’d ever have the upper hand on you. Unfortunately, unless you can think of something creative, you realize you’re stuck with one of these options…

…Until now. Here’s my patented way of dealing with this awful problem. At the first door, do the mumbling “thanks.” This one is going to take a little practice. You have to make it seem as though you barely notice him/her opening the door for you. Pretend you’re in the middle of some random thought and you barely notice the person, and don’t make eye contact. When you get to the second door, then let out an earnest “thanks.” This way, you are able to mix up your responses in order to keep your enemy on his toes; but you also make it just short and sweet enough so that you’ll never have to deal with anything else afterwards. You can just go on your separate way.

Follow this method, and you’ll at least be able to avoid a few awkward moments with people that you probably don’t like. Perhaps this is a good thing; perhaps I think about these things to much. Either way, you’re welcome…

You can use your Iphone to find out the name of your future partner, your baby, and when you’re going to die, so why not get some information that is useful TODAY?

Well now you can. New Iphone software tells you the expected time, weight, and consistency of your next dump.

Simply install the software, enter everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours, and the amazing software will give you a computer generated picture of your next poo. Accurately rendered in full 3D, you can rotate, zoom and even sniff the predicted plop. No more wondering what kind of crap you’re going to have next – now you’ll know!

Seriously, if someone actually writes this software and makes a million from it, I’ll be coming after you!

There’s a very good chance that I’m going to fail out on my final semester at college. This would be very sad. The average semester at my school entails taking 4 classes. I am taking 2…and it’s not starting well. I went to class on the first day, and have been to a total of 0 since. (NOTE: Please do not mention that fucking word “senioritis” to me. It is so overused. I seriously hope I catch swine flu so everyone I know can say I have that instead of senioritis….also, that would give me a legitimate excuse for missing my classes.)

College works a little different from high school. You pay thousands of dollars to have permission to boring lectures by accomplished wise-asses. So, it would be better for your “return on investment” if you take in every little bit of knowledge (brainwashing) that the professors have to say. Not for me, though. I need to be the rebel. Yeaaaa, give people thousands of dollars of money and then refuse to get anything in return…that’ll show ‘em.

I can’t say I even have a legitimate excuse for my truancy. I wish I could sit here and tell you (or type you) that I was offered a threesome by this bonerific chick and her ass-tacular friend, but I can’t (that probably would’ve only lasted 5 minutes anyways and I would’ve went to class a little late afterwards). Here’s what I did instead of going: nothing. Literally, I just sat in a chair and mulled over whether or not I should go to class. Then, time made the decision for me an hour later.

Basically, I’m making idiotic decisions that I should really reconsider. Actually, that’s a good idea. I’ll do that tomorrow, instead of going to class.