After years of anticipation and hard-won research, physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have finally observed the Higgs boson in action, a truly remarkable discovery accompanied by air punching from scientists the world over.
The Higgs boson, also known as the ‘God Particle’, was first proposed in the 1960s by physicist Peter Higgs as a way of explaining, among other high-level, non-scientist-unfriendly concepts, more or less how matter is composed. And now for the very first time in the history of science since Higgs, physicists have access to real statistical data proving the validity of this particular hypothesis.
The celebrations, however, have officially been put on hold in light of new press statements coming in from the Director General at CERN itself, Mr. Rolf-Dieter Heuer:
“Dear Citizens of The World,
We at CERN are all highly pleased at the public response that this finding has received. After much deliberation, however, we feel it is only prudent to revise our initial public statement, in order to let you know what really transpired on the day of discovery.
Yes, we found the Higgs boson. And yes, it’s beautiful.
But what we did not immediately disclose out of respect for the families involved, was the mysterious disappearance of several of our top scientists shortly after the boson was found.
We can only hope that their disappearance is a result of them needing some quiet time away from the press in order to reflect on their findings rather than, say, having been sucked into one of the tiny multidimensional wormholes that have popped up in and around the Large Hadron Collider recently. Oh and yes, we may have unwittingly opened a few small wormholes here and there… But to be fair, they are really tiny and well, kind of cute.
Hope you’re not too pissed.
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At 12:23pm on Saturday 3 November 2011 the reigning champion of the world’s longest game of hide and seek was accidentally discovered by his friend Fred through the use of the world’s most popular social media platform.
Timothy, a 28 year old man from Minnesota, challenged his friend to the game in the summer of 1992, but after failing to find Tim after about a half hour or so Fred gave up on his search and returned home to lead a normal life, never to see Timothy again. Until a few weeks ago, that is.
“I was just checking my Facebook, when a new person popped up in my ‘People You May Know’ suggestions box. I was sure I didn’t know this guy, but something about his face seemed really familiar.”
And then he remembered, and Fred knew what he had to do. After sending a friend request to Timothy with a fake Facebook account, Fred infiltrated Timothy’s circle of Facebook friends under the guise of his distant aunt Martha – who did not have an account yet. Fred then wrote down the company where Timothy worked, and the next day he ended a game that had lasted nearly two decades.
Hide and seek officials have declared this the longest running hiding streak in the history of the game, but have yet to confirm the validity of the find amidst recent allegations of cheating.
International representative James Moriarty explains, “It’s a tricky call to make. Fred did find Timothy, but the fact that he gathered intelligence on his whereabouts from an external source, well… That’s a bit iffy. However, what’s been seen cannot be unseen, as they say, so this one’s officially game over.”
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