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Drinking on Sundays and irrationally spending money are two things that would be wise for me to avoid at all costs. So obviously you can see why I let my friend Taco talk me into going to a Booze Cruise with him this past Sunday. A lot of things factored into this decision. For one, I’d never been on one before which is just sad for a college student. Also, I wanted to see the view of the Boston skyline (I’m a pussy).

So Taco and I joined 2 other friends and we went to the bar that set up the whole thing. Multiple scorpion bowls and beers later, we were all a mess. We then made our way down the street into our boat and headed out. As I expected, the view of Boston is pretty cool from a boat. As I didn’t expect, the rest of the night was a long, regretful wreck. A booze cruise is like being in a dance club, complete with douchebags and stuck-up girls; except there’s no escape because you’re in the middle of the fucking ocean. To make the most of the situation, I pounded even more beers and guided my half-dead body on to the dance floor. I attempted to sketchily dance with every girl there, which caused them to walk away. After continuing this rather fun game of cat-and-mouse for a while, I went to the bathroom and proceeded to puke my brains out. Shortly afterwards, the boat arrived back at the harbor. The night was over….until Taco convinced me to go with him back to the bar.

My drunkenness being at a level more dangerous than “Terror Alert: Red”, I then agreed to do some karaoke. My song of choice: “Hypnotize” by B.I.G. I know (almost) every word to this song, but that’s not the point. I chose it because I was able to drop the “N-bomb” on a microphone. The looks I got were priceless.

Needless to say, I didn’t make it into work the next day, which is horrible for my finances. Eventually, I’ll learn. I hope that doesn’t come any time soon.

As this summer comes to a close, I can’t help but think about how much it sucked. Working from 9-5 every Monday through Friday in an office gave me a staunch view of how my life is going to be. All my life I was told how awesome life would be if I had a degree and was working in an office by my mother. Well, ma, no offense, but that was gay. Now I have to pay the consequences, for life. Don’t feel guilty or anything.

Rather then getting up at 10 AM and watching Jenna Haze get fucked up the ass by a donkey while she’s sucking off some random dude (more or less the way I’ve always spent my summer days), I had to get up at 7 AM everyday, go into the office, and read specifications. I’m not saying that it was bad; all I’m saying is I would’ve rather stuck my dick in a shredder.

In terms of weather during the summer in New England, it’s either 95 fucking degrees or it’s raining. Those are your two options. You would think this would be a good thing with the potential for scantily clad girls in the area, but the problem is that some of them are fat and it only takes the sight of one fat bitch in short shorts to ruin the fantasy involving the 10 hot girls that passed by before her. Some men go on safaries to Africa to take down big game; I wish they’d come to Boston take down fat chicks. I don’t think we have to worry about them being an endangered species anytime soon.

More complaints about my summer to come (cuz I know you care oh so much)….

Today I’m blogging about sketchalous ways to make some quick pesos or quick coins outside your regular day job.  Now, a preface might be that these options might only work in certain areas of the world, but it’s especially doable in the Mexican city where I’m currently living. 

I love the awkward turtle.  In fact, I only remembered it now when I discovered a fabulous new way to express your level of uncomfort with magic hand motions.  They are magic because they help describe how you feel at a given b-zaro moment.  I would first like to introduce Miss Awkward Turtle, (genders and titles can of course vary).

From urban dictionary:

	Awkward Turtle	558 up, 46 down
	During an awkward moment, this hand gesture is used to mark the situation as awkward, and, depending on the situation, makes it more awkward or clears the air. The awkward turtle is made by putting one hand on top of the other with the thumbs sticking outward and rotating forward. The speed of the rotating thumbs depends on the degree of awkwardness. Boy- “I love you.” Girl- “Um…that’s cool…” Boy- *AWKWARD TURTLE* awkward turtle awkward turtle baton rouge trip miles johnson by <3 curse of curves <3 May 29, 2007 share this

Here’s a video that shows the proper ways to use Awkward Turtle!:

Soooo, now that you have met awkward turtle, I now give you Sketchy Clam, via again, the urban dictionary:

	sketchy clam	1 up, 1 down
	The lesser-known cousin of the awkward turtle. Used when a situation is sketchy. The motion is two closed fists, joined at the wrist, making a clapping motion. The Maharishi University of Management attracts large numbers of hippies, but still exhibits strong class division. *sketchy clam* awkward turtle sketchy shady sentient animal emotive action by Mary Wollstonecraft Jun 10, 2008 share this

There seems to be less info out there about our Sketchy Clam, so if you find anything, comment b-low.  And,,, thanks for meeting Awkward Turtle and Sketchy Clam.  Mucho gusto jejeje   Now go wait for an uncomfortable moment and rock out with the Awkward Turtle or wait for a sketchy moment and pop out with the Sketchy Clam!!  Later, I will introduce you to Katie Tay’s animals that make your friends feel uncomfortable LOLz.  She has taught me of the salmon, the scorpion, the giblet and they are sort of friendly.  But not at first! JEJE.  Check the wikipipedia page and look under “Other Awkward Animals”.   Kthnxbyz!

1.	sketchy clam	1 up, 1 down
	The lesser-known cousin of the awkward turtle. Used when a situation is sketchy. The motion is two closed fists, joined at the wrist, making a clapping motion. The Maharishi University of Management attracts large numbers of hippies, but still exhibits strong class division. *sketchy clam* get this def on a mug awkward turtle sketchy shady sentient animal emotive action by Mary Wollstonecraft Jun 10, 2008 share this

We recently added several new contributors and we’re getting a feel for just how sketchy they are… If you are interested in contributing to sketchy.com, please register today and drop me an an email.

We really don’t have a plan for where this site is heading but we can assure you it will feature a regular amount of sketchiness for your enjoyment.

A Jedi is demanding that he gets special privileges based on his religion. Markus Skywalker, a Jedi from Birmingham, has insisted that he is allowed 2 hours off work a day to “practice dodging lasers” and “hunt rancor chicks”. Citing religious intolerance, Skywalker tells us of how his religion is being suppressed by “non-believers”.

“I just want the chance to practice my religion without fear of reprisal” he told Sketchy. “I just expect to be able to wear my robes in the workplace, and that all women I work with wear their hair in funny twisted shapes.”

His boss, McDonald’s manager John Fry, said it was a difficult situation.

“I don’t want to discriminate against him because I wouldn’t do it for any other religion…” he said. “But using a light saber to cut burger buns is a real health and safety issue, so it’s very difficult finding a balance.”

Jedi rights groups have jumped on board with their support, saying “All Jedis should be treated with respect and dignity, and allowed the 3 parking spaces required for their spacecrafts.”

As you can probably tell from my previous posts, I am a great, upstanding individual who is the perfect candidate to be judging others. That being said, here is my take on some of my favorite articles linked to today on fark.com:

• A man was arrested for flipping out due to losing a game of UNO. Due to the fact that this took place in Utah and the man has outstanding warrants for other assaults, I can only assume that this man is a Mormon with a lot of pent up rage since his religion calls on him to live like a pussy. I recommend more masturbation; or in his case, he could even draw two! Hey-ooooooooo. Uno-joke? Anyone?
• Some state delegate is being investigated for his misuse of the Baltimore Police Department in getting them to play a role in his intricate marriage proposal. Please, Mr. Politician, sir. Everyone knows that marriage is more of an empty promise than President Obama’s public health care plan! Hey-ooooooo. No one? I’m 0-2, aren’t I…..?
• Apparently, there are mental health benefits in video ga– Hold on a second there, big guy. Are you trying to tell me that having fun can actually reduce stress! Holy shit! That is the smartest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Are you psychologists!!?? You really should be, because that was sooooo ingenious (God, I hate people).
• Last but not least, how to bring your kids up the American way: Don’t allow them to practice capitalism. Instead, lock them in a house filled with marijuana and guns. The little guy/girl will be full-fledged loser in no time.

Don’t you hate it when you make unfair judgments about someone based on his/her nationality and then get called a “racist”? What a bunch of crap. One day, I walked down the street and asked some random African-American male who was walking in the opposite direction what his shooting percentage was. Much to my surprise, he flipped out while saying some sort of gibberish I don’t understand (probably because it was in African). The one part that seemed to be in English that I understood was, “Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I play basketball!” Please! Obviously, this poor fellow failed to understand that no one would ever make a horrible inference such as that. I calmly attempted to explain that by shooting percentage, I did not mean how many shots per attempt he’d make, but how many rival gangsters he was able to hit with his illegally-obtained machine gun per shot. Somehow, this caused an even bigger problem. He just looked at me as if I’m from another country or something, and walked away in disgust; as if he was supposed to be the one that was frustrated! I, of course, am the type who takes the high-road in situations like this and offered the man a coupon I had found in the Sunday newspaper for 30 cents off a carton of Kool-Aid. “C’mon! You love Kool-Aid!” I said. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital with a black eye and a broken rib cage. When I came to, I attempted to explain to the paramedic what had transpired, but she scoffed. “I already heard your story, you hick,” the lady said. Even though I was a little disappointed that she wouldn’t hear my side of the story, I decided to let it be. Of course, I asked to switch to a male paramedic since women are so genetically inferior. Apparently, this makes me a “sexist” too. Pfft…..

There’s a new video up online today with TV’s most famous fat naked gay man.  The one, the only, Richard Hatch.  Kind of an idol for me.  Well, my must-see favorite TV program is Survivor.  So, naturally, I’m a fan of Hatch. Most people, however, see him as one sketchy bastard.

But today Hatch is clothed and hanging out poolside with NBC’s Matt Lauer and Hatch proposes that he was sent to prison not because of the tax evasion, but because of discrimination against him for being gay.  (Also, take note of the close up of his fancy ankle bracelet).

But wait,  who discriminated against him?  Well the jury and the judge of course when he was at trial!  *shakes my head in confusion*

Watch Hatch and Lauer chat poolside and you be the judge:

Even Hatch admits that he was cocky and arrogant since winning the million dollar prize money.  But now, he says, he’s not as cocky and arrogant as he once was.  He thinks going to prison has changed him– but, despite being changed for the better– he doesn’t think he deserved to go to the maximum and high level security prisons that he went to for four years.  While he was definitely convicted guilty in some shady tax evading, Hatch says it was definitely not his fault. sadface

And moreover, Hatch has lost all his money because of all this shadiness.  The 1 million dollars that existed back in 2000 when he won the first Survivor is neither the same worth now in 2009 and neither around period.

Regardless, Hatch won that million by being a sneaky, manipulating, arrogant player in one of TV’s most fascinating games– as Matt Lauer suggests, maybe Hatch is only simply trying to pull another one over our heads.

Smell sketchy or no?  Either way, I’m still a big fan of Hatch.  JEJEJE.

What do you think?  You can also read more of Rich’s sad story HERE on People.com

This past weekend I went dancing at the discos.  I did a little dance on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday night.  I contemplated going Sunday night but was a little too tired even for myself.  And yes, apparently my weekend starts on Wednesday.  Friday I passed out cold while attempting to take a 30 minute siesta at 10:30 pm only to wake up at 3:30 am.  Apparently I didn’t get any sleep after dancing til 5am on Thursday night. JEJEJE/WOOPS.  Ok, so, clearly, I do like to dance, and more recently, it’s been very kind to my physique.  How kind you ask?  This kind:

This dude has lost 10 kilos in 2 months.  That’s approximately 22 pounds.  Oh no, he didn’t.  It’s been great, I have gained more friends and people now like me for the real me.  It’s cool because now I don’t have to pay people any pesos to be my friend.  YAY!  (Lolz at myself).

It’s true though.  Well, the kilos part.  When I arrived in Mexico back on May 17th, I weighed, ok, I’ll admit the weight: 200 lbs.  I don’t joke with this one. And no, I didn’t lose it from the swine flu.  In fact, there were absolutely no swine flu cases in the entire state that I moved to.  Ok, maybe two cases, but I’m pretty sure they’re alive– and they might even be dancing

Also, prior to my big move to the south, I had spent some coin at the Nordstrom Rack in Towson, MD to buy some cheap ‘wearables’ to my new home.  You know, a new pair of jeans, two pairs of shorts and some sneaker/sandals that you can wear in the pouring rain (similar to those ‘shoes’ that most of my lesbian friends wear).  I felt that the former were necessary to look hip and to be comfortable in a beach setting and I knew that the latter would be important for the rainy season that is now ever so slightly upon us.

The only prob was that the hip jeans I purchased from the Rack were great at the time.  BUT they were the only jeans I could fit in with an unfortunate waist size of THIRTYFRIKKINSIX.  That’s a 36.  I’ve always been happy being a thirty-four.  sadface.

But now that I dance anywhere from 2 to 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 to 7 to 8 hours (per) weekend-night, (remember, this includes Wednesday and Thursday), that the benefits not only yield a happy boy but a slim boy at that!  Thus, I have lost 10 kilos, approximately 22 lbs, and AT LEAST two and a half waist sizes.

What fun it is to live in Mexico indeed.  Instead of dying or catching a “do you cough, do you cold?” from the swine flu, instead, I changed my life around and lost 22 lbs doing it.  Oh, and did I mention that I live in Paradise?

Now if only I could get that pesky mustached taxi driver man to leave my white french poodle and I alone :-/   zomg

Found this cute video and had to share– it shows flying penguins for a BBC advertisement. Adorable. Enjoy!

It came to light today that many scientists are involved in doing research that has already been done. Every day a new scientific discovery is made, but more often than not, it is an old discovery, it just wasn’t written down properly the first time.

Some discoveries can be made over and over until somebody realizes. We at Sketchy decided that this is a real waste of scientists’ precious time so we have compiled a top 10 list of things that have already been discovered, or are so ridiculously obvious, there is no need to “make sure”.

Please could all scientists consult this list before partaking in any more research. Take some time off if you like. Go to your favourite mall, restaurant or casino. Take a holiday! Or, if you do decide to go back to work, make sure you check our list first! You might find that you’re saving yourself from wasting valuable time that could be spent curing cancer or making penis extension technology that actually works.

• Fatty foods make you fat. (This was just discovered again today)
• Stem cells have magical healing powers.
• Hitting a rat over the head with a hammer causes brain damage.
• There is some weird shit at the bottom of the sea.
• Allowing children to play video games for more than 18 hours a day may cause obesity and blindness.
• Messing about with anything with a “Biohazard” symbol on it may cause a zombie apocalypse.
• Building hundreds of coal burning factories causes pollution.
• Hot-boxing a mouse might give it lung cancer.
• In zero gravity, things float.
• Cloning a sheep with a goat will make a kind of Sheep-Goat thing.

Chaos erupted today at the match between Northampton Pretenders and Possible United with a disagreement over where the imaginary ball actually was. This is the 982nd argument of its kind since the sport was founded last Tuesday.

The Referee insisted that the imaginary ball had gone into the linesman’s face from a rebound off McGee’s shin. However, both teams disagreed, each with a different idea about where the pretend ball went. The Pretenders said it had gone into McGilbert’s stomach, which would have explained his rolling around on the floor clutching said area. However, Utd were determined that the ball had gone into The Pretenders’ goal, despite it being kicked from their own half.

Eventually the Referee imposed his own decision, a throw-in was awarded, and the “injured” linesman was taken to hospital with extreme hypochondria.

Not content with the sugar already built into Frosties, a local man was seen putting no less than 3 teaspoons of sugar onto his bowl on Wednesday.

A spokesperson from Kelloggs said that “This kind of thing has never been tried before” and that Kelloggs themselves are “unaware of the possible implications” of putting sugar on Frosties. “We would strongly recommend against this practice”.

Onlookers at the cafe were shocked. One woman said: “I didn’t even realize you could put sugar on Frosties!”

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. $@ck it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)