After years of anticipation and hard-won research, physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have finally observed the Higgs boson in action, a truly remarkable discovery accompanied by air punching from scientists the world over.

The Higgs boson, also known as the ‘God Particle’, was first proposed in the 1960s by physicist Peter Higgs as a way of explaining, among other high-level, non-scientist-unfriendly concepts, more or less how matter is composed. And now for the very first time in the history of science since Higgs, physicists have access to real statistical data proving the validity of this particular hypothesis.

The celebrations, however, have officially been put on hold in light of new press statements coming in from the Director General at CERN itself, Mr. Rolf-Dieter Heuer:

“Dear Citizens of The World,

We at CERN are all highly pleased at the public response that this finding has received. After much deliberation, however, we feel it is only prudent to revise our initial public statement, in order to let the you know what really transpired on the day of discovery.

Yes, we found the Higgs boson. And yes, it’s beautiful.

But what we did not immediately disclose out of respect for the families involved, was the mysterious disappearance of several of our top scientists shortly after the boson was found.

We can only hope that their disappearance is a result of them needing some quiet time away from the press in order to reflect on their findings rather than, say, having been sucked into one of the tiny multidimensional wormholes that have popped up in and around the Large Hadron Collider recently. Oh and yes, we may have unwittingly opened a few small wormholes here and there… But to be fair, they are really tiny and well, kind of cute.

Hope you’re not too pissed.

Sincerely,

Rolf.”

At 12:23pm on Saturday 3 November 2011 the reigning champion of the world’s longest game of hide and seek was accidentally discovered by his friend Fred through the use of the world’s most popular social media platform.

Timothy, a 28 year old man from Minnesota, challenged his friend to the game in the summer of 1992, but after failing to find Tim after about a half hour or so Fred gave up on his search and returned home to lead a normal life, never to see Timothy again. Until a few weeks ago, that is.

“I was just checking my Facebook, when a new person popped up in my ‘People You May Know’ suggestions box. I was sure I didn’t know this guy, but something about his face seemed really familiar.”

And then he remembered, and Fred knew what he had to do. After sending a friend request to Timothy with a fake Facebook account, Fred infiltrated Timothy’s circle of Facebook friends under the guise of his distant aunt Martha – who did not have an account yet. Fred then wrote down the company where Timothy worked, and the next day he ended a game that had lasted nearly two decades.

Hide and seek officials have declared this the longest running hiding streak in the history of the game, but have yet to confirm the validity of the find amidst recent allegations of cheating.

International representative James Moriarty explains, “It’s a tricky call to make. Fred did find Timothy, but the fact that he gathered intelligence on his whereabouts from an external source, well… That’s a bit iffy. However, what’s been seen cannot be unseen, as they say, so this one’s officially game over.”

Sketchy’s field correspondent reports:

Citizens of South Africa have taken to the streets in protest of the new Protection of State Information Bill passed Tuesday, 22 November 2011.

The Protection of State Information Bill, which makes it illegal to possess or publish classified government documents regardless of whether or not they are incriminating of a greater evil, has had mixed responses throughout the nation. Supporters of the bill, which include government officials and pretty much no one else, are highly satisfied with the outcome of the vote.

Limpopo MP, Mr. Leo Nswako, had this to say: “Finally I can sleep easy tonight. The secrecy bill means I no longer have to be careful about who I appoint to office. Now all I am worried about is how to choose which nephew I like the most in time for Christmas – this will make a great present!”

South African citizens are not stupid, however.

Critics of the bill argue that – if made law – this will radically undermine investigative journalism and eventually put an end to all forms of whistleblowing.

Pretoria resident, Kobus Stein, comments: “They can take our right to information, but they will never take our whistles. How can we play rugby if there is no one to blow the whistle?”

Another citizen, Sipho Mthethwa of Soweto, is similarly concerned: “Does this mean Vuvuzelas are out too?”

“I’m buying a Mac,” She said.

“That’s nice dear, get me one as well won’t you? And a large diet Coke please.”

“No, baby… a Macintosh. For our little Jake. I saw the most fantastic Black Friday ad–”

“Over my dead body.”

“Oh, come on John, what’s so bad about Apple?”

“Dead… Body,” I repeated, slowly.

“John, answer my question. What does it matter whether our son grows up on PC or Mac? They both do the same things.”

“Dead bodies lalalala…” I picked up the TV remote and changed the channel to some loud and obnoxious 80s rock ‘n roll music video.

“Oh and I’m filing for divorce. Have a nice life.” She picked up her car keys and left, slamming the front door on the way out.

And then it struck, like a comet at the Apocalypse. The finality of her words tore through the thick atmospheric shield of my rational consciousness and embedded itself deeply into the core of my subconscious – becoming another of those innermost realizations you can’t suppress, because there is nothing sub-it to suppress to.

Our children were going to be Mac-babies.

I live on the same latitude as Hawaii on the Pacific– as I’ve posted before, I live in Mexico. Despite being on the west coast of Latin America, it didn’t stop me from spending some 47-odd hours in New York City, Philadelphia AND Baltimore this weekend. Now, while such a quick trip to the East Coast Megalopoly does indeed have plenty of potential for sketchy.com, I absolutely must share the last and final experience I had in Penn Station.

I had bought some yogurt, some granola, some fruit and a large jug of peanut butter– crema de cacachate en espanol– and headed over the penn station at about 1am on Sunday night. After locating the proper NJ Transit train, I sat down between a Jewish man and a lady with a large transportation device (for her cat, not her). Well, I was somewhat hungry, so I decided to dig into my night snack/breakfast and while I was doing this, Cat lady also pulled out some food for her kitty.

Somebody was crowned the winners of the Fifa World Cup yesterday, much to the delight of their country’s people. Everyone else, however, isn’t too fussed as they kind of lost interest when their team went out.

234 years ago, the United States of America celebrated its freedom from the evil British Empire.

No more would it have to deal with the tyranny of a dictatorship. Now the people would have their say and the country would be run according to their will. If the people voted against something, such as, for example, war, or a public health service, those in power would have to yield to the voice of the people.

Since then America has gone from strength to strength, showing the world how truly un-imperialist it is, by force if necessary.

The free enterprise system – the American dream – has been allowed to flourish. Now, as we see from the reality show “Cribs”, nearly every person in America is rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Thanks to the right to bear arms, the people are safer too. They are free to walk the streets at night in complete safety, because nobody would dare to mess with someone who might have a gun. Unless they happened to be carrying a bigger gun, or say, an automatic gun.

Hooray for American Independence!

The original iPhone was an undisputed classic that made its producers, Apple, a household name. With the “difficult 3rd edition” behind them, Apple now attempt to rekindle the magic of the original in the much anticipated “iPhone 4”.

The phone starts where the last one left off, with the applications trying to close themselves. Then, the audience is treated to a surprise new character, “Multiple Apps”, allowing several applications to run at the same time! Yes it might have already been done in cult films such as HTC Legend, Windows CE, and the Nokia N Series, but not many people have seen these so the introduction is still a surprise to the majority.

As the film continues, we are introduced to several new characters, something that seems a little desperate. In a forth enactment, why not concentrate on developing the characters we’ve already grown to love?

Several of the old cast do return, although many of them now hopelessly past their prime. Again and again we’re treated to rehashed plot lines, worn out running jokes, and intrusive text message alerts.

Occasionally, the phone does delight with some new additions such as a decent camera and a screen size almost as big as an HTC Evo, but these are all things it should have got right in the original.

All in all, this is an entertaining addition to the iPhone saga, but will never really match up to the originality and freshness of the original classic.

A new trend of “not spending much” has resulted in a much needed boost to the world economy. Minimalists everywhere are spending money hand over fist to buy the latest minimalist paraphernalia.

Sales of Minimalist books have gone through the roof, with minimalists around the world spending their money to find out how not to spend their money.

We spoke to one such minimalist, known to his friends as “Frugal Bill”, to ask him what he had done recently to free himself from the tyranny of consumerism.

“Well I’ve bought a new greenhouse, so I can grow my own food and not have to go to the supermarket. And we’ve replaced all our furniture with stuff from Ikea, you know, with those little baskets where you can hide your junk. I’ve also built a chicken coop out of ice cream sticks. Man we ate a lot of ice cream that month.”

Bill’s wife Esther explained how their habits had changed since adopting a minimalist lifestyle. “Oh we’re so much kinder to the environment now. Instead of our horrible, fossil fuel powered gas heating, we spend our evenings around a good old wood burner, just like the old days.”

“It’s so nice to be free of possessions, to live our lives as nature intended.” added Bill, as they drove off down the public road in their manufactured car.