Somebody was crowned the winners of the Fifa World Cup yesterday, much to the delight of their country’s people. Everyone else, however, isn’t too fussed as they kind of lost interest when their team went out.

234 years ago, the United States of America celebrated its freedom from the evil British Empire.

No more would it have to deal with the tyranny of a dictatorship. Now the people would have their say and the country would be run according to their will. If the people voted against something, such as, for example, war, or a public health service, those in power would have to yield to the voice of the people.

Since then America has gone from strength to strength, showing the world how truly un-imperialist it is, by force if necessary.

The free enterprise system – the American dream – has been allowed to flourish. Now, as we see from the reality show “Cribs”, nearly every person in America is rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Thanks to the right to bear arms, the people are safer too. They are free to walk the streets at night in complete safety, because nobody would dare to mess with someone who might have a gun. Unless they happened to be carrying a bigger gun, or say, an automatic gun.

Hooray for American Independence!

The original iPhone was an undisputed classic that made its producers, Apple, a household name. With the “difficult 3rd edition” behind them, Apple now attempt to rekindle the magic of the original in the much anticipated “iPhone 4”.

The phone starts where the last one left off, with the applications trying to close themselves. Then, the audience is treated to a surprise new character, “Multiple Apps”, allowing several applications to run at the same time! Yes it might have already been done in cult films such as HTC Legend, Windows CE, and the Nokia N Series, but not many people have seen these so the introduction is still a surprise to the majority.

As the film continues, we are introduced to several new characters, something that seems a little desperate. In a forth enactment, why not concentrate on developing the characters we’ve already grown to love?

Several of the old cast do return, although many of them now hopelessly past their prime. Again and again we’re treated to rehashed plot lines, worn out running jokes, and intrusive text message alerts.

Occasionally, the phone does delight with some new additions such as a decent camera and a screen size almost as big as an HTC Evo, but these are all things it should have got right in the original.

All in all, this is an entertaining addition to the iPhone saga, but will never really match up to the originality and freshness of the original classic.

A new trend of “not spending much” has resulted in a much needed boost to the world economy. Minimalists everywhere are spending money hand over fist to buy the latest minimalist paraphernalia.

Sales of Minimalist books have gone through the roof, with minimalists around the world spending their money to find out how not to spend their money.

We spoke to one such minimalist, known to his friends as “Frugal Bill”, to ask him what he had done recently to free himself from the tyranny of consumerism.

“Well I’ve bought a new greenhouse, so I can grow my own food and not have to go to the supermarket. And we’ve replaced all our furniture with stuff from Ikea, you know, with those little baskets where you can hide your junk. I’ve also built a chicken coop out of ice cream sticks. Man we ate a lot of ice cream that month.”

Bill’s wife Esther explained how their habits had changed since adopting a minimalist lifestyle. “Oh we’re so much kinder to the environment now. Instead of our horrible, fossil fuel powered gas heating, we spend our evenings around a good old wood burner, just like the old days.”

“It’s so nice to be free of possessions, to live our lives as nature intended.” added Bill, as they drove off down the public road in their manufactured car.

Scientists in New Zealand, working with the Farmer’s union, have stumbled upon a novel method for generating vast quantities of clean, free energy.

While performing routine “tests” in the area, the small team of scientists found their “instruments” were being unexpectedly charged.

“The power is truly abundant bro.” said Dr B. Ollocks, from Aukland University. “Stroking a sheep generates huge amounts of static electricity, which we can now convert to normal electricity. Rubbing a sheep vigorously for 15 minutes generates enough energy to power a small Leptop for an hour.”

The discovery has exploded the New Zealand economy as hundreds of citizens take to the fields to charge their phones, cameras, and hybrid cars.

New houses are being built to incorporate special “Sheep stroking booths” where inhabitants can spend an hour or so massaging the family sheep in order to power their lights, TV and oven for the evening.

The Large Hadron collider delivered its first high energy particle collisions today, giving us unprecedented insights into the universe and its creation. It was a monumental day in the world of science, but not everyone was happy with the results.

“This particle soup is f***ing tasteless!” screamed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. “What kind of f***ing chef are you? I’ve tasted more appetizing dishwater! Get the f*** out of my kitchen!” Ramsey was at the LHC filming for his latest program “Scientific Research Facility Nightmares” when he had a chance to sample the 3.5 TeV proton beam collision.

The controversial particle accelerator produced temperatures over one billion times hotter than the centre of the Sun. Mr Ramsay was not overly impressed about this.

“Ten to the sixteen degrees Celsius? Who was supposed to be f***ing watching it?”

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?” We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.